Finishing The Race

Pursuing God One Shin Splint at a Time

I want to scream

I want to scream and pull my hair out. My body aches and cries and it won’t stop shaking today. All from an author’s few words in an emailed newsletter…

“I feel isolated.”

I want to shove them off and believe it isn’t me, too. But it is…

Some days I feel God’s strength and it is truly amazing–and I can’t wait to share it and take on the day. Then there are days like today, and if I’m truly honest, these days come more often than I would want you to know.

I can usually suffer through. Leaning on my standard, tried-and-true coping skills: pray on my knees, get outside, read something encouraging in my bible, count my blessings, you know the drill…

But then there are days like today that can’t be “fixed” systematically. The day also can’t be swept into the “excused reasons for feeling crazy and depressed” like hormones, bad news received, important grieving date on the calendar which are all “legitimate” reasons.

It’s a can’t-be-categorized day. It’s a day when it’s all just too much.

Satan’s lies are loud and ferocious. I recognize them and pray against them, but the onslaught is overwhelming to where I have to reach out to someone else, but then the lies come even more calculated:

“they have harder things they are going through…you’re supposed to be the encourager, not needing from others…you are not important because_____(fill in the blank with all kinds of craziness.)”

This is where I have to dig deep and trust God will provide. I cry out Jesus because there aren’t even words I can form.

I remember what I truthfully tell others when they bravely reach out to me…

You are not a burden. It blesses me to help.

Do not borrow trouble from the future. Take it one minute or hour at a time.

You will not always feel this way. Jesus promises His provision.

I’m taking time today to let this sink in even though my heart tries to reject it. Truth is truth no matter how I feel about it.

“Then Jesus turned to the Jews who had claimed to believe in him. “If you stick with this, living out what I tell you, you are my disciples for sure. Then you will experience for yourselves the truth, and the truth will free you.” John 8:31-32 msg

truth

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Update: I wrote this post last week and was tempted to publish it the same day. I read some wise advice to wait 24 hours after writing to hit “publish.” I don’t always follow the advice but it made sense for this one. After I pounded this post out on my keyboard I felt better. God knows what gets me to write and He uses everything for His purposes. I spent the rest of the afternoon reciting His promises in my head as I went through the motions of my day.

Folding Laundry <God will provide>

Push kids on the swings. <Trust His plan to prosper me>

Make dinner <He hears and answers every prayer.>

Change a diaper (again) <We are but a mist. His ways aren’t my ways.> (Thank Goodness)

Reflect how God provided on a hard day. <He gives rest to the weary.>

Watch Netflix <New mercies come in the morning> (Thank Goodness x1000)

So I go ahead and post this today, days later. I would never want my kids to read my blog years down the line, maybe even after I’ve received my heavenly reward and cannot explain my thoughts behind a post, and have them feel like they couldn’t relate because it seemed like I had it all figured out. I can’t only publish post after polished post and picture perfect images. I want real life reflected. And people, the struggle is real! I want my kids to know I have bad days. EVERYONE HAS BAD DAYS. Maybe even weeks. But there is also REAL help to be found in Jesus.

(If your bad weeks turn into months and you feel cynical about Jesus being able to help you, it may be time to seek out professional Christian help. I’ve done it. Most of my friends have, too. Try it out, what have you got to lose?)

Maybe you need to whisper His name today, too. It’s okay. I’ve been there and I lived to tell about it.

6 Comments

  1. I love your honesty and transparency. This will speak to so many. Love you so, so much!

  2. Love you so much, I love your realness! Oh the isolation lie!! It Feels bad and try’s to cut into our race, oh how sweet it is to know Christ runs along side of us and trains us for day like this!! And then walks through them with us, reminding us exactky what he has already taught us and reveals other truths from his word. And how gracious of him, he gives us community!! Because we very much need one another and love to love one another, I love you and wish welived closer!!!

    • Sweet Tara! I miss you so much. Thanks for being in the trenches with me 🙂 I’ve always known community is important, but I’m learning it in a whole new way these days! Love you!!

  3. Oh, Bonnie. I adore your transparency and your steadfast faith. Thank you for sharing your heart no matter if it’s a good day or a crummy one. What an encouragement to all of us to live a life of authenticity … Leaning on Jesus all the while.

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