I have a fear that creating this blog and writing these posts gives the impression I have it all figured out…that I’m so confident in what I believe, well I feel led to tell you today that I am not.
Here’s the biggie, as soon as a trial pops up in my life or my loved ones’ lives I immediately start doubting God. Not His existence, I KNOW deep down in my bones that He is real, alive and active in my everyday life, but I doubt His goodness. I know He is good, but I do not feel He is good to me. I ask the “Why” question like a broken, annoying record. And I know I will question Him again even as I type these words. Yuck, that is hard to admit. But I feel like I need you to know.
I wanted to quit writing this week. Just stop. It got hard. I am finding it hard to share lately. I’m ashamed at my doubt in God’s goodness. I’m the girl who has “God is good all the time” on the wall in our entry. Hypocrite much? Sheesh. But can I believe it even if I don’t feel it?
I’m here to tell you today that I don’t have it figured out. No one does. No matter how it may “look” on social media or in real life. We are all just doing the best we know how with what we were given in life. What we all have in common is choice. We can choose how we spend our time and that is the game changer.
This past week I chose to spend time praying about my doubts, I’m taking a leap of faith by sharing this on the blog in an act of obedience to God’s prompting. I am choosing to read Job when he and his friends doubt, complain and try to figure it all out. And that means reading God’s response to them as well. (I focus on Job 38-42 when I need to be put back in my place!)
This week I have been thankful for my intentional “whitespace” I try to make room for in my schedule. I didn’t see coming my internal struggle with grief popping up the way it did. It’s always bubbling below the surface, that’s a given, but it’s hard to predict when the grief will overflow to the point of damage control being necessary. Grieving takes such a tole on my energy and so I’m always in jeopardy of a flare up that will take extra self-care to get through without spiraling into a depression.
Choosing to exercise has been such a help to keeping my health better so I can deal with these fluctuating emotions and just feel all-around better. Now that the half-marathon is over I’ve had a fear that I wouldn’t keep running. Running for me is the epitome of a love/hate relationship and it is so easy to just quit and sleep in.
But I have encouragers in my life that help motivate me to keep taking the next step. Just a step, no one is asking me to run a marathon, just get back out and moving.
This is the same for my faith. As I chose the harder options of praying, reading my bible and seeking wise counsel instead of hiding in my bed the way my flesh wants to, I feel God helping me ever so gently come to accept His grace that covers this thorn of doubt I carry in my side. He knows it’s there and He loves me anyway. This unconditional love is so kind and merciful of Him, I wish I could let it pluck the thorn out forever, but for now I’m willing to accept His love covers this sin I carry.
As I struggled this week God so mercifully reminded me of a quote a dear friend shared with me some time ago. She has carried these words with her for years from her college professor: “God will never allow himself to be placed under a microscope. Where there is no room for doubt, there is no room for faith.”
I don’t have to figure it all out. I am going to see my doubting of His goodness towards me as room for my faith to fill.
I’m so thankful for family and friends that encourage me to keep taking a step even when it’s ridiculously hard.
And this week I plan to follow Job’s lead (Job 40:3-5 msg)
“I’m speechless, in awe—words fail me.
I should never have opened my mouth!
I’ve talked too much, way too much.
I’m ready to shut up and listen.”